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After I was registered at Fox Run, I had the hardest time saying goodbye to my mom. I'll
never forget the feeling that I had when I thought about something that was long-term and I didn't have my mom with me.
Several weeks passed and I felt like attempting an escape, but all of the doors were locked. Motion sensors beeped abnoxiously
at night when you got out of bed to go to the restroom. Everyday was intense. A counselor would come in and wake
you up, and you had to be in the meeting area to give goals for the day. Later that evening, you had to know the goals
that you had said that morning and tell whether or not you accomplished them during the day. In my state of being, it
was the hardest thing to do. I had so much grief just trying to remember something that I had said. I eventually
figured out how to remember them, and I still have that skill today. Also, during "Goals", the staff would sometimes
ask you what another person's goals were right after that person had said them just to see if you were paying attention.
That was the part that I hated. I was no good at that. If you got them wrong, that proved that you weren't paying
attention, thus you had an early bedtime. As hard as I tried I had at least 3 early bedtimes. During those times
or at night time, I would get up out of bed and look out through the double layered plexiglass window and stare at the Interstate
which was down a huge hill and ask, "Mom, when are you coming to get me? Please mom! I wanna come home!". I would cry
so hard during the day. My eyes were probably always wet with tears because I missed my home so much.
The whole point of being at Fox Run was to slowly take me off of all medication.
I didn't really notice anything different as time went on except for the fact that I was beginning to feel like a real
person.
On Sundays, all of the patients were allowed to either chill out in their rooms or go to a church
service that was held by the patients. I remember my good friend Reuben who delivered the messages. It was during
this time that I started asking God, "God, why did you let this happen to me?! What did I do to deserve this?!
Why aren't You answering me! I want to go home!!!"
As my status continued to get better, I was eventually allowed to go on a TCA. I don't
really remember what it stands for, but it was pretty much a short outing that you took with your family around the area.
Everytime I saw my mom, I was overcome with joy that was absolutely unspeakable. People on staff at the facility could
tell that I "really loved my mother". On my third TCA, just my mom and I went out and spent some time together.
While we were gone, I told my mom that I didn't want to go back.
Inevitably, I went back. We walked through the door and I gave her the last hug that
I thought I would give her that day. I went back to my room and suddenly had a desire to embrace my mother again.
I asked permission from a counselor, but she said, "once you're in, you're not allowed back out." I ran back to my room,
buried my face into my pillow, and the most sorrowful noises that I'd ever heard, came out of my very own mouth.
I'll never, ever forget that feeling. It was like someone took my heart out of my chest, placed it at my feet,
and forced me to stare at it as I slowly died. About 25-30 minutes later, a different counselor came
to my door and said, "Joel, they want you up at the front desk." I asked him why and he said, "I don't know what
they want, just go!" When I got to the counter a big man told me to sign a few papers. With tears still
running from my eyes, I asked him, "What is this for?"
"You are being discharged today."
I was in total disbelief. Immediately my heart jumped back into my empty chest and started beating again.
I had no idea that I would be standing right there, off of medicine and ready to leave. Just when I thought that I was
going to spend a few years locked up, I was suddenly leaving my prison, where everything was a nightmare.
A year later, things began to look pretty bad all over again; I was beginning to smoke, dip,
and listen to the most disgusting and perverted musi... well I wouldn't even call it music. It's more like total crap.
As all teenage boys do, I was beginning to physically mature. This meant the rapid production of hormones.
I'm not going to lie to anyone here. I became a perverted person, and I had quickly developed a problem with
pornography. Gasp, if you wish, but I'm not going to lie to you. I was hopelessly addicted to porn.
It wasn't until I was 15 1/2 that I realized.... wait a second, if I'm asking forgiveness and I know I'm
standing firm in what I'm supposed to do, then why do I keep going back to that same thing over and over and over? My
deliverance from pornography arrived during a dream that I had one night. In this dream, I was running from the United
World Government because I was a Christian. Many times, I just barely escaped being caught by ethnically compiled armies
and being turned over for radicalism. Everyone wanted me dead. One time, I was left hanging on a snow-white
iced ridge in a cliffside by my fingertips as I hid and watched countless soldiers and special forces running to
try to find me. The cold ice was pressing against my body, and making me shudder; I felt like I was going to fall to
my death. In another situation, I was locked in a pastel-blue room with a bronze, silver, and gold lock on the
door. The same small ridges that were on the ice cliff were also located midway up on the walls of this room.
I shuddered everytime the bronze lock would open, then the silver one, then the gold one.
Here
is the explanation of my dream:
You can run and hide from God, but you won't get away with
anything for long; in the end you WILL be judged. Sin is never satisfied, there is no way to hault its demands.
It will bring you to the edge of your spiritual health and leave you hanging by your fingertips, still hoping that God won't
catch you. Your self-established levels of security will not keep you hidden. God knows where you are, and he
knows how to get to you. After having this dream, all of my past habits broke. The desires were replaced
with a deep love for God and the desire to serve Him. But this runs into the experience at SITS... I'll tell you
about that in a bit.
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